Tonight I went on a treasure hunt. I do this sometimes. Wander around the city without direction or time constraint, seeing what little gems I can find while blasting inspirational, jams in my beats.
I am an alum to my past treatment center so I get to go to alumni events. No longer do I schedule into my week groups and supported meals. No longer do I crave the comfort of being told what to eat and when. No longer do I feel like I am splitting in two unless I have that space filled with couches and teary faces to validate my week’s pain. I am an alumni and I haven’t been able to say that in over two years and that is an empowering identity to take on.
So to celebrate I went on a treasure hunt because treasure hunts are special and only happen when the inspiration strikes me.
Staring up at the tall buildings, feeling the February air brush against my cheeks, my music drowning out any city noise. I was in a time warp, a liminal space. I was alone in a bustling world, one among two hundred million. I was here and not at the same time because my heart connected in that moment with my spirit. My spirit being the part of me that notices that my purpose is bigger than that which I see in the mirror. That my body is simply a vessel for this endless liquid that contains my soul and my vessel was flooding with the waters of my soul because I was able to open the lid to the bottle gifted by my spirit. I was, for a moment, overwhelmed by the beauty of this life, this world, this body, this mind given to me. For a moment, I was drowned in contentment with all that has and will happen. For a moment, I felt completely at peace.
These moments are fleeting as they should be. No person could sustain that state of wonder and connection for their entire existence and if that was their entire existence then it wouldn’t be full of wonder and connection. The experience of the spirit and the soul wouldn’t even be beautiful because it would just be. Nothing more. Nothing less. Because in order to appreciate these “mountaintop moments” which I experience from time to time, I have to know what valleys, dungeons, raging rivers, and vast canyons feel like. I have to know the good, the bad, and the ugly in order to appreciate everything beyond and in between.
I am an alum because I was once a patient awaiting an intake session, I am a treasure hunter because I was once a garbage dump, and I experience the filling of my soul because I know what it is like for my body’s vessel to remain an empty shell.