Tsunami

waves_against_stormy_weather_by_steinliland

Some days are more painful than others because I see your face everywhere I turn yet have this underlining knowing that it isn’t you. Rather, it is just someone who so cruelly has to look like you giving me a moment of hope and excitement of seeing your famous smile, and just when I am about to call out “Andy!” I remember its not, that it can’t be, that you aren’t here anymore, and somehow I have to make peace with that.

Today, I heard your voice in every stranger on the street and I looked for you around every corner that I turned, following that sweet tone, that peaceful presence that I came to love so dearly. I was in desperate need of it today with my raging fear and unprecedented anxieties. I needed your smooth confidence, your comforting texts, your funny Instagram posts; I needed you today. So, I searched and searched telling myself that this is just all a large misunderstanding and that if I looked hard enough I would eventually come across you once more.

swimteamBut I never found you, only a pile of memories that leaked through my Facebook feed. It is Memory Monday that is what we are all calling it. Post your favorite memory and comment on others. Dozens of photos with your face attached to them, dozens of words with your name inserted into them, but where are you in this all? Certainly not sitting with us all as we scroll past posts and laugh through tears at the times we spent together.

Today it isn’t enough to know that you are sitting in heaven smiling down at us. It isn’t enough knowing that you “are in a better place”. It isn’t enough because we shouldn’t have to reassure ourselves of that. I shouldn’t be sitting here through tears stained cheeks saying, “I miss you”. It is backwards, the idea that you at just 16 are gone forever. It is upside down and twisted and is not something that anyone should have to understand because you can’t understand pain like this. Not unless you are forced onto this dagger that will certainly penetrate your heart, the call that you never want to receive, the call that forever changes your world. “He is gone, Morgan. I am so sorry.”

Don’t be sorry, just please come back! I don’t want pity. I don’t want grief. I don’t want the reconciliation that you are with God and you at peace. This is unfair. This is unjust. And today, it is a painful day because your face is everywhere I look and all I want to do is tell you all about the pain that I am feeling, about the ache that I feel knowing you are gone, and I can’t…you

So I sit in my apartment and the silence maddens my brain. I am afraid as I see flashes of your crash zoom across my eyelids. I am panicky knowing I couldn’t save you. I am heartbroken knowing that you are gone. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever and ever because you have visited me in my dreams. I want to sleep so I can ride with the angels in your car that on earth failed you. I want to stand with you where you died and have you reassure me that you weren’t in any pain. When I am asleep, things make sense, but then my eyes open and the pain of the light and the deafening volume of the day hits me like a ton of bricks as another day begins without you.

Grief comes in waves that is what they tell me. Well, today hit me like a tsunami.