Conflicted

I am in a conflicted place. Half of me believes I should take care of myself and half of me desires to simply self-destruct. Use behaviors or use healthy coping strategies. Use behaviors or continue to work towards a meaningful life. Use behaviors or do what feels impossible-take care of myself. This confliction within me arises each time I have a slip. When the flirtatious personality of my eating disorder lures me back in and I purge once or restrict a snack. It is then, that I have suddenly opened the floodgates to a rush of destructive thoughts and actions.

And I am flooded by the sweet release that the one slip gave me that I slip again and again and again.

And I am back in the grips of my eating disorder and it is whispering in my ear, “I have missed you”.

And I feel strangely comforted in its arms, but also scared at the same time.

And the continue use of behaviors isn’t as numbing as it was before because now I am aware of this overbearing, creepy eating disorder that is holding me in its arms, telling me “just one more trip to the bathroom, just one less snack, just one more mile”.

And I am aware that these slips drive me in circles.

And I want to stop the cycle.

And I miss the feeling of sobriety from behaviors.

And I don’t remember how I managed to get back on track last time….

…Then I come to a point where I decide to listen to my better half again. The half that believes I should take care of myself. The half that promotes recovery and that wants me to be a part of life, the half that allows me to be a person just like everyone else. It is that half that then helps me to get back on track and moving upward in my recovery.