Today I ate two desserts. True. I also, joined a new student group and helped organize a mental health awareness event and went to an artists lecture and met some new friends and went to a block party. So yes, today I ate two desserts. And, yes, my mind is telling me that my thighs are thicker because of it and that my double chin is the size of California and it is all anyone can see when they look at my face. But it isn’t bothering me to the point that I will allow it to hold any significance in my mind. The rumination on the doughnuts and cookie are rather an annoyance to me as they are bringing down my floating on clouds mood from my numerous accomplishments today.
Today I ate two desserts. True. Yet, the world kept spinning and I kept breathing. No one died and no tragedy occurred. I got myself up and out. I got myself to talk to people that I would otherwise be petrified to approach. I allowed myself to say, “hey I am really craving a doughnut” and then proceed to get some along with my friends even with the knowledge that I had already had a cookie at lunch. I allowed myself to leave the block party early because I was at my socializing capacity for the evening. And, I allowed myself to say that doing so was okay, that I was proud I even got myself to go in the first place. The desserts were merely a tangible marker to the kind of day I was having, which was a day full of person hood and presence. I felt filled, not just literally but figuratively as well. Today I woke up and told myself I was going to be a person and once that intention was set in motion the rest of the day unfolded with fluidity and grace because I took the stance that I was on the same playing field as those around me. Therefore, I was allowed to do things like eat dessert and be present in conversations.
Today I ate two desserts. That is what recovery is about. Not, just eating fear foods. Like I said in my previous post, this is not a blog where I will be posting me drinking a milkshake with #edrecovery attached to it. But there is something significant to be said about the two desserts because they were enjoyed. Because, the second dessert (the doughnuts) were chosen in the moment, without hesitation, without guilt, without shame. Because I was with people when I had them, like actually with them. Not in my head, not consumed in panic or self judgment or fear. These desserts signified so much more than outwardly proving to those around that I am in recovery from my eating disorder because I eat. They signified a termination of another one of my eating disorder’s rules and by doing so a further release of the disorder’s ruthless hold on me.
Today I ate two desserts. When pursuing recovery from any mental illness you have to have these days. The days where you do what scares you the most. The days where you finally prove to yourself that joyful experiences are possible. Maybe its simply getting out of the house and talking to the cashier at Walgreen’s because your depression has convinced you that there is no reason to go out. Or maybe it is getting in your car and sitting behind the wheel because you haven’t been able to do so since your accident last year. Or maybe its going to the grocery store and buying one thing you truly would enjoy eating. Whatever it is that would be your two desserts going out and actually doing it could set in motion a domino effect of positive forward actions. Because, if there is one thing I have come to embrace over the past few months, it is the knowledge that the only way out is through. Through the scariest and more uncomfortable parts of yourself. Through them so that the other side, the side of refinement and renewal and recovery can be encountered.
Today I ate two desserts. True. Yet, I have no regrets.